God’s Only Party

Last week, a clandestine cadre of controlling conservative Christian captains (bunch of right-wing religious nut jobs is what I’m getting at) threatened to run from the GOP like ducks from an alligator the size of a Buick if any infidel they don’t anoint is nominated for president. And yes, a specific former New York City mayor was mentioned. Funny you should ask.

At a meeting in Salt Lake City (where else — you thought Vegas maybe?) Heaven’s Soldiers collectively decided they would rather support a burned-beyond-recognition, duckbill platypus with wire-coat-hanger hands than a certain Mr. Rudolph Giuliani. Apparently the Mayor of 9/11 is not the answer to their prayers.

Oh, they have their reasons. Giuliani’s serial inclination to appear at fundraisers in drag, resulting in his being photographed wearing a dress more often than Hillary Clinton, could be one. His brazen courting of the pro-choice, pro-gay rights, pro-gun control wing of the Republican Party might be another. The fact that the Rudy clan, including both ex-wives (two too many), are campaigning for other people doesn’t help much either. A bit of a sticky wicket that: trying to swing Independents with your Family Value bona fides when your own family hates you. With megaphones.

The zealot heads went so far as to talk out loud about forming their very own party if Giuliani does weasel his way to the top of the ticket. And since white Protestant evangelicals make up a third of the electorate in the early primary states of Iowa and South Carolina, they believe the threat of mass defection is too big a bluff for the GOP leadership to call. Because, as we all know, a Republican Party without Christian conservatives is like a snake handler with no snake. A scorpion minus the stinger. Hell without dental surgery.

You might think this is one of those cut off your nose to spite your face kind of deals, because, well, it is. But evangelicals are sick and tired of being taken for granted, and count on party bigwigs to remember how Ross Perot threw the 1992 and ’96 elections to Bill Clinton. Which in those kinds of Kool-Aid circle jerks is like handing the keys of your children’s soul to Satan in exchange for a bucket of deep-fried Twinkies. But let’s leave Bush’s fiscal policy out of this.

Not only are some dogmatic noses severely out of joint from having the door of implemented policy change slammed in their apostolistic faces, but they also have a few canonistic bones to pick with some of their recent higher-profile disciples like Mark Foley, David Vitter, Larry Craig and the Creator’s own personal mouthpiece, Ted Haggard. Guys whose newsreels feature more extracurricular sexual footage than you’d run into at the Moonlight Bunny Ranch during an after-hours party for the Adult Video Awards.

Of course, if they do form a third party, the big question is what to call it. “The Holier Than Thou Party” is a bit put-offish. “God’s Only Party” would be confusing, especially if the media tried to acronym it. “The Everyone Has to Live Like We Think They Should Live Party” is probably too long. I did come up with the perfect name, but unfortunately “The Taliban” is already taken.

Durst’s solo show, “The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing,” off-Broadway at the New World Stages, is scheduled to close Oct. 14.